is this thing on?

It has been a while, hasn't it, then? I rarely even visit this space anymore.

I feel there are a number of things occupying the bits and pieces of what's left of my brain that might even interest another brain. Occasionally I contemplate unleashing them on the world. Most times I feel content to withhold the enormous quantity of inane and largely irrelevant details.

It had occurred to me at some point in the last twenty minutes that it is sometimes nice to have even small pieces of text left about the virtual universe to stumble upon at a later date. And so here we are.. we? I'm quite sure this is a completely self-serving post about nothing that will interest anyone else and yet I feel the need to suggest that "we" are here "together" in some manner.

January 10th. I keep telling everyone I go back to school on January 11th even though I've a feeling it is actually the 10th when classes commence. To say that I am not looking forward to this would be a bit of an understatement. I feel overwhelmed, ill-prepared, and incompetent. I also detest my educational institute. Still, I am attempting to convince myself that I can in fact do this and that there is little reason to believe otherwise. A nurse though, me, really? I've been around myself long enough to know that I seem to be capable of doing most things given time to learn. This, on the other hand, this nursing thing presents a unique challenge. You sort of have to do a good job the first time - every time - it always matters. At least I think that is true. I know that you can be a bad nurse and still continue to work in the profession - I just don't want to be a bad nurse.

I dislike the feeling that sinks into your being when you know you are about to embark on something that will probably leave you nearly if not completely without money for some time. I've always detested money but seem to be attached to a number of material items and the sort of lifestyle that my current employment status has enabled me to maintain.

The snow seems particularly beautiful this year, for some reason. Most years I am just disgusted and nauseated when the snow starts to fall. I am not sure if it is simply because I have mostly avoided disgusting parking lot slush or because there have been a number of cold starry nights.. either way, I am grateful for the ability to cope.

Frequently, lately, I have had bouts of extreme anxiety related to this feeling that I haven't lived as much or as fully as I would like to have lived. Obviously a waste of emotion and useful energy, I know. Sometimes when I feel this way I remember nights at the Paradise in Boston and fantastic shows, meeting rock stars, late night IHOP runs and I remember everyone and everything I loved there. The Charles, strolling alone through Boston. Subway conversations and meeting Tedd in the city to buy a Tortoise cd. I really need to get back there.. so many years of intentions with no actualization. It's always something - money, time, mostly money.. I wonder often if I am avoiding something. Maybe it's someone.

Merry Christmas, to the handful of those who might read this and the handful of those who might care. Christmas is such an odd time for me now with most all the magic lost to real life and responsibility.. not all of it, though.

So much has changed but I seem always to have serious difficulty determining who will be good for my heart and my head and who will leave me alone and broken. I have learned to love being alone, though, and this is worth so much more than I had imagined possible.
  • Current Music
    Jump, Little Children - Rains in Asia

must have learned them from a million stars..

i've been wanting to write lately, but then i realize i have very little of interest to say. so instead i will write a journal entry.

these days i am spending the vast majority of time learning how to be a nurse. or at least that is what they tell me i am doing. i've yet to really feel as though i am an actual nurse, but, you know.. i'm certainly more a nurse than i was a couple of months ago i guess.

the rest of my days.. i don't know so much what it is that i'm doing. the days seem to go by before i have much of a chance to think about it. it seems like things should feel more structured but often i feel entirely disorganized. i have a few papers to write this weekend.. one on lsd, another on.. something. not sure what that something will be yet. and a third paper on caring. the caring paper being the most difficult of the three despite what one might think initially.

i've been doing this house sitting thing here and there over the last few years. waking up in someone else's home is occasionally strange but often interesting. nice for a change of scenery, anyway.

so that is approximately as interesting as my life is currently. minus a few more or less inane details. (YES, more inane than the preceeding.)

peace out home slices.

we're all a little crazy in the light

i have been sick for a few weeks now, sick again with some other sort of illness or who knows perhaps an extension of the intial virus.. this is irrelevant except it explains why i am spending enough time on the computer to actually post here. just don't feel well enough to do anything else.

none of my travel plans are coming together like i want them to.. none of my life plans are, either, but that is usual for me.

i'm 28 now.. i guess i still have time, but it seems as though i need to push myself a little harder and actually progress.

i miss everyone.

(no subject)

Happy Thanksgiving, to all of you crazy americans. Hope everyone is having a nice holiday.

I can't really get into a thanksgiving vibe, being that it was a couple of months ago here. That and I never get into the Thanksgiving vibe anymore. I did while I was in the states.. now, not so much.

REGARDLESS - enjoy your turkey, citizens.

colds--

went down to Guelph yesterday for my cousin's wedding. any time i do this in the colder seasons i wonder why it is that we insist on living this far north. they are certainly far less into the progression of fall than we are here. only an hour and a half drive, but it makes a lot of difference..

time to relocate?

of course, relocation is imminent anyway, what with my job possibly disappearing and me wanting to pursue schooling. so far i haven't made any progress on that front and am wondering if simply taking some online courses will have to suffice for now.

still have no vehicle. have some money saved, so perhaps that can happen soon.

i've also been pondering purchasing a laptop.. seems like one can pick up something okay for fairly cheap these days. it is hard to justify the cost, though.

i guess i've nothing terribly interesting to say. time to go make some tea, perhaps..
  • Current Mood
    cold cold

work stuff. headache stuff. life stuff.

it's raining. i don't mind exactly. the cold is less welcome. i feel as if this was an overly long day, but then, it is wednesday and it will soon be the weekend. i am working on sunday and monday, but it seems as though a few days off may occur next week. maybe i can get something done if that does happen. maybe i won't get anything done ever. this is also a distinct possibility.

my mood has lifted a little. things have been quite stressful for some time now and things at work are always changing randomly without any real warning. i feel like i have to try and figure out the incoherent double talk on a daily basis lately. i guess that probably comes along with working for an organization like this one. possibly for any large organization..

i didn't get out for my walk today and am still contemplating walking on the treadmill. i hesitate only because i did have a terrible headache until the tylenol just nicely kicked in. i have a feeling the headache is lack of sleep induced.

ZzZZzZZzz.... will have to make sure I get enough of that today. The case manager I am working with this week has been drinking Ruby Chai tea - it smells delicious and now I want to get some but am entirely unsure as to when the place you can get it from is even open. It is a small, cute little coffee/some food place called The Bean Cellar. There is also a little place called The Frog Pond and I've been contemplating checking it out as well..

I wish I had some female friends to hang around with - it seems like there really isn't anyone around here. I have lost touch with some people.. I try to get in touch with Leigh Ann occasionally and Carla in the hopes that they won't COMPLETELY FORGET I EXIST!!! I keep telling myself I will visit soon but it has yet to present itself in a feasible manner. I have some cash saved up but I really need to get a CAR!! However, plane tickets aren't all THAT much... I really really need to get my passport renewed. It expired and I've yet to manage getting all the paper work filled out. Some day soon.

This is largely DULL I know. I'm mostly just writing for myself I guess. Easier to get it out. Maybe if I write enough random garbage eventually something will make sense. :)
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

See the world..

$130 in my savings account, so far. It's small but it's a start. This is my plane ticket fund, you see. There are too many people I love who are far away and I need to see them before they forget that I love them. The amount seems very small to me some days, however, considering the lack of full time hours I've had as of late it is the best I can do. New jobs to apply to, potential for more hours and I think that I will start ticking off the list this spring. April, I hope, for the Boston trip.

These are the places that I need to go, in no particular order:

Boston
Connecticut
California
Australia

And where else? I think that I can probably drive to the other places I need to go when I get to the above four. I am starting this list as a reminder to myself, a beginning. There are of course several other locations I'd like to see prior to my death, however, those are the ones I've deemed most attainable for the time being.

The holiday season proved rather uneventful, largely due to the self-quarantine my family placed upon itself. A stomach flu settled on the household for the entirety of the two week period I generally consider to be "the holidays". Honestly, I can't say that I mind too terribly. Sometimes the travel time and inane banter that accompanies the standard holiday excursion is the part of the season that sends me into a low spell. As it stands, I've become rather adept at avoiding or at the very least crawling out of the cavernous holes of depression that used to kill entire weeks (months?) for me. Age, hormonal changes, children (not my own). I'm not sure which if any or all of those things are contributors.

So here is an update for those of you out there who read this and care - this is my life, as it stands. I fear there are few of you anymore, but often hope that people still think of me as frequently as I pause to remember them. Warning: this will not be very exciting.

----------------------------------------------------

I live at home, still (or again?), hoping to leave soon but not as single-minded about the urge to separate from the family unit as I have been in the past. That is not to say they don't challenge my sanity on the best of days. I've just become less restless in this respect. We can't stay 15 forever, thankfully. I suppose also that I now realize there are holes in everyone. It would seem I am not the only one with empty aches in spots that used to hold something immeasurably valuable.

WORK: I have a job I love, actually. Not enough hours. I'm helping people, though, and more hours are possible in the near future. I work for CCAC - check 'em out http://www.ccac-ont.ca/ - people should be more aware that they exist here in Ontario, anyway. There should be one everywhere.

I am addicted to the television series House. I own the first three seasons on DVD and watch them with a seemingly endless rapture. It is perhaps in the metaphors or the genius that is Hugh Laurie. Either way, I absolutely adore it. I also adore the soundtrack.

I tend not to write often, anymore. I'm missing the inspiration, I think, missing something. I hope to find it again some day. Although, frequently, I am taken back to something Marc said when he started dating who I believe is his wife now. Something along the lines of her being a real writer. And then I remember that I never wrote very well to begin with and that is enough to crush any inspiration I might have had.

Painting, though. I still paint. Not well, but at least there is some part of my brain leaking out in colour. Some people seem to like it. I like them. The paintings. Even the awful ones. I sometimes feel the urge to clutch them to my chest and pat their absent noggin's. Mostly because they are the saddest parts of my head there, sitting in front of me, on a piece of canvas. You have to love those pieces. It's highly unlikely anyone else will.

I am seeing someone. It's not bad, or necessarily unusual. I just feel most of the time as if we are both at the stage in our lives that plays out like bonking our heads against a "What now?" mirror with little response from our own blank stare. Currently I seem more interested in having someone there to pat my bruised forehead (damaged from the above activity) than any of the other aspects of a relationship. I assume this is frustrating for the other individual. Hoping to eventually move past the mirror and get on with things.

See how boring this is? I'm not sorry, though, as I refuse to be sorry for being dull when it is my nature.

And last but not least, I am going to partake in a fruit juice fast - starting today. I am going to drink exclusively fruit juice for a week. Freshly juiced vegetables and fruit as my father was given a juicer for Christmas and it works remarkably well. Why am I doing this? That part I am not certain of really. Just seems like something I need to do.

Perhaps not last, actually.

This year I want to be able to drive in a larger city. I intend to do this by making myself drive in a larger city. Not because I like to drive, or even that I need to drive in a city. This one is simply because I am afraid of it and frequently think I can't or shouldn't do it.

I also hope that there will be more regular internet access in my life this year so that I do not feel so disconnected from the universe and all of the crazy little people I have known over the years. On E2, on IRC, everywhere..

Time to go make some juice. All my love, internet citizens..
  • Current Music
    See the World - Gomez

say hello..

It is peculiar, the things that make me happy. I have a computer again, though the internet is still mostly out of reach at this point. Late at night I can sneak on and steal some exceedingly slow access...

I have my music again. Very welcome in November..

I haven't been working more than a day or two every week since early October. I feel exhausted mentally.. waiting for something to give, waiting for a full week, a full pay cheque.. wondering if I should just move on to a new job. It just reminds me of the way that we moved all of our lives, never in the same place for long. I don't think it makes for a nice resume, though.

Lately I find myself dwelling on Boston - it has come up a lot at work for some reason.. everyone has so many questions about where I've been, where I'm going. It's so draining to think of the different places I've been and the people I loved while I was there. It has been eating at my heart lately. I cry easily and don't seem to have any need for anyone. Interactions tend to go poorly. Definitely slipping into one of those down periods - not really finding the traditional methods of relief helpful.

Hope everyone else is doing alright. Hope you're not too cold.
  • Current Music
    Matthew Good - Apparitions

Autumnal loneliness..

I've this new job - 8:30am to 4:30pm, so far, weekends off. I feel exhausted most days, partly because the days are so full. Sometimes I find little to do with my day and then things drag on endlessly. It has been an interesting experience so far - it seems complicated by stacks of paper and every time you turn around another stack appears. It never seems to end. It's all so dull, though.. not entirely, but dull enough. It's the sort of job one could make a career out of - indeed, many people have. Still unsure of my own place there.

The little ones are growing like gangly weeds - walking on their own, in some cases. Bumping their little noggins on various surfaces. I love the stage when the baby starts to make real words and sounds - I taught him how to colour with crayons and now he says "weeeeee" while he draws.

In some ways it feels as though I have somehow entered into motherhood without actually doing so. So much daily routine. It's SUFFOCATING! I don't know how to feel about it.

Contemplating trying to find a small place in Owen Sound to stay on winter nights.. I just don't like not having a good place to go when the weather is bad. Even a room might suffice.. we'll see.

Not much of anything interesting to say. Work, home, baby time.. lots of plants, I guess. And things go on & on.

I think of the same people day after day. Never seem to skip a day, either.. never seem to forget you. Guess I'm not trying.. I guess I don't like to lose anyone, really.

I keep trying to think of something worth saying but even the way that I write seems forced, lately.. but then most of the things I used to write were tripe-like, I think. It all seems such a waste.

(no subject)

so i have worked at the hospital for a gastroenterologist. i've been babysitting the little one since that ended. i don't even care much to write about it anymore. it all seemed far more interesting while it was going on.

trying to find employment.. not sure how it's going. hasn't been all that long. bits of money come in here and there.

waiting for my sister to get home. not much interesting really to say..

i sure don't miss nucomm. miss some of the people there. couldn't care less about the company. a little bit heartless. a little bit ruthless. only occasionally a sign of caring and compassion, only to cover up the fact that they simply don't care about anything other than money.

and the american dollar.

lately i've been wondering how long until they move more work over seas. why leave it in canada, or even the united states? why - when you could pay a pittance to someone in another country who doesn't know better.

ah who cares i guess - waste of my brain time to even think about it. i wonder how sam is doing sometimes, though, and never seem to get online enough to talk to anyone.

tend to feel a bit on the lonely side lately, what with my main companion conversing largely in silly noises or "nononono". at least he's cute.

this concludes an utterly dull journal entry. good night.